Guanajuato

First week down of my residency. It’s been quite the mixture of different emotions. My body is finally beginning to relax and feel less on guard. I was feeling the stress of being on high alert. Granted I am like this at home. The symptoms of my PTSD are more pronounced being so alone. I’m appreciative of this. It just highlights the priority and importance I need to give my psyche. 
I am impressed by myself this week. I thought I would get in my own way. Thankfully I’m witnessing the fruits of my hard labor in real-time. Not allowing my mind to believe every little thought of limiting beliefs or fear based one’s. 

I am learning so much in my classes and I’m just trying to be a dry sponge ready to soak up as much as I can. I can’t tell you how loved I feel by myself for providing this opportunity. To learn and seek out art and self discovery. We were very controlled growing up and I didn’t really get the chance to self discover like a lot of people my age did. Then I was just a shell of fear. Now, I’m just walking through that fear. Doing all the things I want to because life really is a blip in the universe. You snap your fingers and it’s transformed but no longer physically here. 

 I’ve been enjoying walks, and the beauty of the architecture, snippets of history, and delicious food. Although I’ve been going out to eat very little so far. I’ve enjoyed my almost daily trips to the tiny produce market nearby . Cooking bowls of veggies and eggs and cut up fruit. This kitchen is reigniting me with my passion for food. One of the loves depression stole from me. One of the things I’ve enjoyed the most is sitting on my balcony and listening to the echos of chickens, dogs barking, people laughing, things banging and clanking, murmurs of conversations, and music..music that goes into the late night and covers me in a blanket of comfort.

I had the most amazing time this weekend visiting León and meeting a lot of my maternal family for the first time. By a lot I mean like 5% of the family. Coming back isn’t an option anymore, it’s a demand. I don’t know why I was dead set on being othered and rejected. The experience was the complete opposite. I was welcomed with smiles, open arms, and so much love. I was being loved just for existing and for being one of las hijas de Teo. I learned SO much. The storytelling began right away. Maybe this is why I love to story-tell because I grew up loving it. Eating up the stories the adults would share at carne asadas and parties. I met cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts, all so damn amazing in their own ways. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to keep listening to how they grew up, connecting dots, making connections to characters, and personality traits. Seeing my mom laugh and smile so much was peak JOY for me. Second moment out of so many of my heart bursting at the seam was,
visiting my grandparent’s niches and getting the opportunity to pray and talk to them. I have no words for that. Feeling that much more connected to my roots and ancestors is so grounding. 

I was very intentional and vocal about what I desired from this trip. I made changes that reflected the level of commitment to the transformation and experiences I searched for. Living this has been nothing short of awe. Awe for the power of change, shift, love, healing. I don’t know what the following days bring but I do know I’m being present enough to experience the moments of pure magic in all of this. 
The hate and cruelty and reality of the world doesn’t escape me nor do I let it. Living in this duality right now is a mind fuck. Trying to make sure I don’t let this moment escape me without cherishing it to the fullest while also holding the sickening truth.

Thank you for holding my words y experiences. .

~ Judith